My liver just broke up with me...
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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