its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
