wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
