and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
