she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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