You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
