Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
