I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
