Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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