im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
