turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
