Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
