You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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