I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
