Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
