We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
