Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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