between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
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Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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