Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
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you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
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I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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