Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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