watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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