i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
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I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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