i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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