Jerry, you need to find god
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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