Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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