I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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