dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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