The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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