Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
