i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
