And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Let's get the cat blown out
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
