I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize
