I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
and she was petting her beer can
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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