just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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