The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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