All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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