the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
