the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
