her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
