I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
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