You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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