I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
