ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
