38 yer olds are good kisserssss
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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