I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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