The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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