life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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