yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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