Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
