Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i think i just lost a toe
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
