I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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