I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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