I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
