I've blown a few things in my day
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
