1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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