my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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