If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My pussy is not your playground.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
