Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
